Once upon a time, there was a little girl that believed in fairy tales. She knew that someday her prince would come. And he did. But he turned out to be a total asshole, so she broke up with him. Then another prince came along. And he was certainly much better than the last, but still wasn't nearly as charming a prince when she didn't do everything just so, so one day she said, "Enough!" and went her separate way. Then one fine day, another prince came along and he was even BETTER than the one that was better than the one before. But once he thought he had her in his clutches, he began to abuse her profusely. So, once again, she packed up her closets of clothes and boxes of sentimental valuables and pots and pans and ventured into the unknown, for another uncertain, but certainly better, life.
Yet another fairy tale had ended like a horror movie, but she never seemed able to divorce the concept that someday "he" would come - a savior, a best friend, a companion. She set the bar lower and lower, and, oddly enough, higher and higher at the same time. Because the things that she once thought were so important changed as she began to let go of all of the preconceived notions that she, and most everyone else within her society, had clung to for so very long. And so one day, as she considered one failed relationship after another, she began to let go of the idea that there was someONE out there that was meant just for her.
At least, that's what I told myself four months or so ago. I thought that perhaps I didn't ever want to get married again because variety is the spice of life. Because I like falling in love. Because things haven't worked out well so far anyways, so why look towards a lifelong commitment that could easily end in disappointment? But then I met a person that I just couldn't help but to fall head over heels in love with. And, as luck would have it, he fell for me, too.
He made comments about marrying me - quite early on - that would normally freak me out, but coming from him, it was sweet music to my ears. The remarks ranged from putting his last name after mine to hypothetically discussing being my son's stepfather someday. And then he stabbed my little heart by saying something about how we "joke" about getting married.
He and I joke about a lot of things. In fact, it's safe to say that humor is the main basis of our relationship, although I would be remiss not to mention that our physical connection is incredible. But marrying me isn't something anyone should joke about. And even though I thought that I probably wouldn't (or shouldn't) ever want to get married again, delusional daydreams about marrying him sneak in to my otherwise-logical brain. And the idea that all of those things he said were insincere confounds me.
In the midst of all of the lovey-doveyness, reality has set in. We have had our first fight or three. He has hurt my feelings in a way that only the people I let in closest can on several occasions. He has gotten far more comfortable being "grouchy" - as he calls it - around me. He is incredibly busy focusing on his future, which involves a great deal of time and effort on his part in the present. So much so, that even though he lives ten minutes from me, I often go several days to a week without seeing him. I often find myself feeling lonelier than I ever felt before I had someone to miss.
I have been very uncertain that our love for one another is enough for me to continue being in this situation. And that makes me happy, because it shows that I'm growing. And it makes me sad, because I truly want to share my life with someone wonderful. And, in so very many ways, he is that and more. But timing is everything, and I'm just not so sure that the timing for us is right or that we want the same things.
Every serious relationship I've been involved in prior to this one started with us moving in together rapidly. And, honestly, I don't really want to be in a long-term serious relationship with someone with whom I don't live. I want to wake up next to the person I'm in love with every day. And make dinner together. And watch TV together. And go on dog walks together. And run to the grocery store together. I don't want to do EVERYTHING together, but I want a companion to share my life with - not just a few moments here and there when he's available.
All of this wanting more time with him has made me realize that wedding ring or not, what I want is someone to share my life with in an incredibly intimate way. I got married because I wanted a life filled with loving kindness and joy with my best friend. If I had known the person I loved at that time was so mentally ill, I would have waited instead of getting jaded.
Evidently, I haven't given up on long-term monogamy, even though I no longer think I HAVE to get married to be with someone for the rest of my life. That being said, Disney dreams do not die without a fight, and if the right person proposed, I might just have to say, "Yes!" Because maybe - just maybe - happily ever after isn't a fairy tale after all.
