When you know, you know. When you don't know, well, you know then, too. And I know this much is true: When someone loves you - really loves you - it shows. And when you're not a priority in someone else's life, well, that shows, too.
I have fallen in love with Dave, one of the most self-centered people I have ever met. "Self-centered" is a not an insult, but, rather a valu- neutral description. It's a fact. The sky is blue. Kittens are soft. Dave is self-centered. Now, don't get me wrong: He's not selfish, per se. He's not a jerk. He's not a mooch. He likes to volunteer. He gets pleasure from helping others. But he doesn't seem to be making plans that involve me. He often talks about moving, which, as a woman in the midst of a divorce who will be ordered by the court to maintain a residence in the area in which I currently reside for custody of my child, is extremely hurtful. He says that "if things go well" and if I "keep being as awesome" as I am, he'd like me to move with him when the time comes. How nice.
The other day he let me know he had been looking at jobs in Hawaii. Not jobs in two or three years, but actually looking for jobs in Hawaii for right now. Now, to give some background, I tried to break up with him about a month or so ago BECAUSE he's planning to move in a couple of years. He promised me that he would take me in consideration and that he would like me to potentially relocate with him. So imagine my surpise when he casually mentioned he had been looking for jobs in Hawaii. He informed me that he had decided Hawaii is too expensive, though. Be still, my beating heart!
I constantly try my best to understand his way of thinking and not let myself be hurt or offended by it, but the truth is it IS hurting me. More than he realizes, I am sure. It's tearing me apart. I woke up two days ago crying. When I mentioned something in passing yesterday to him about my "bad mood" the day before, I and he asked why I felt that way, I couldn't bring myself to tell him that it involved him. I woke up today feeling insecure about this situation. And how could I not?
He says that our relationship is new (almost five months now) and that I'm getting too serious. With every other relationship I've ever been in in my life, we were already living together. How different this is! I think it's healthy that we haven't begun cohabitating. It's nice to be with someone that isn't needy. But, gosh, I never wanted to be with someone that was borderline unattached. Yet whenever I try to leave because I think we're on different pages, he makes me feel like he really wants me in his life. And I stay.
Here I am once again ignoring countless warning signs. When will I learn?
I know that love itself isn't enough to be in a relationship with anyone. I know that I'm a single mother and I need more emotional support and help being a parent than this person seems to want to provide - at least not anytime soon. I know that I'm beautiful and funny and intelligent and kind and creative and fun. I know that there are billions of people out there. So why do I stay?
Perhaps it's because we get each other's jokes. Perhaps it's because we finish each other's sentences and say the thing the other one's thinking. Perhaps it's because he makes me laugh. Perhaps it's because we have fun together. Unfortunately, fun - like love - isn't nearly enough. Laughter, on the other hand, has gotten me through almost anything. And we have plenty of that. At least when I'm not crying over him...
There's nothing funny about being with someone that from all appearances isn't invested in having a future with me. There's nothing funny about waking up crying because I feel like I have to choose between Dave and my son. And there's nothing funny about taking everything so seriously, either.
Sigh. I know what needs to be done, I just don't wanna! Breaking up really is so hard to do...
