The falling part of falling in love leaves me with skinned knees and broken dreams. Because no matter who I fall for, I still fall. Hard. And love is never there to catch me.
There are a lot of things I used to believe in, but the one thing I've never stopped believing in is love. The power of love = The power to change. To change minds, hearts, diapers, lives. Forever. And ever.
And sometimes even when I don't get all the things I think I want or need from a relationship, I stay. For love. And I am going to miss him. A lot.
I have fought and fought myself to not let go of this one. But he doesn't want to hold onto me like I do him. He doesn't want a life with me like I do him. He wants something different altogether.
And so even though I love him and like him and have let him become an integral part of me and my son's life, I know it is time to let go. Because you can't always get what you want, but if you don't try, you're wasting your life.
Apples and oranges can't mate. But they can date. Apples can love the taste of oranges. And oranges can love the apples' pretty color. They can fall into deep admiration for one another. But, no matter how you peel them, on the inside they're both so very different. And it's not that there's anything wrong with being an apple or an orange, per se, it's just that they're different and can never be one.
I don't know if I'm the apple or the orange, but I know that we're so very different, and that we're not right for each other. Not because of me. I want to say it's because of him. But how can I find fault with who a person is and what they want?
I just wish he had never smiled at me or made me laugh. Because letting him go is as hard as making a superfruit like an Orpple or an appange.
I just wish he hadn't fed those little lies into my head - those "jokes" - about a future existing for us when that's not what he wants.
And when I'm not getting what I want OR need in the present, why do I care about letting go of the hypothetical future we had that was only a fig newton of my imagination?
I am going to miss you. We are going to miss you. And your dogs are going to miss us, too.
And I wonder why we can't just be friends. Friends that spend the night together. Friends that take my son to the park. Friends that go to see bands they love together. Friends that hold each other close and don't want to ever let the other go.
I thought things had gotten so much better; that we were on the same page of the same book, but I think he's just listening to a song or watching TV or eating Cheerios or hates commitment.
I have given this person more of my time and my heart than he has returned. And I won't ever get back what I've put in, but I still know how to pull out.
He wants us to think about this. He doesn't want us to make any rash decisions. But I don't see how almost a year of wanting more and not having my needs met and accepting that this just isn't working is in any way rash. Except in the sense that, like a rash, it causes great discomfort.
I will miss you.
