After I went a little (okay, a lot) crazy over a plethora of things, Dave broke up with me today over the phone. Yes, that's right, ladies and gents. Over. The. Phone.
I saw it coming. Knew why he was calling. And was totally devastated.
This is a particularly sensitive time in my life with my divorce two weeks away and insecurity at the job I've had for four years looming its ugly head. And one little thing completely set off a chain of events that I would never have imagined would occur today, the day before I was going to meet his parents for the first time. Three days before he was going to meet my mom. Yawn. Sigh. Vomit. Repeat.
I fell in love with someone emotionally unavailable. Someone so busy working on his new career that he has little spare time. Someone that had such a difficult marriage, it seems, that he may never be able to cohabitate with anyone ever again. And, for what it's worth, he fell in love with me, too. I'm just not enough for him. Not what matters to him. His future is what it's all about, and it is, for all intents and purposes, pretty much meaningless to him whether I'm part of it or not. But it's been fun.
From what I can tell, that isn't supposed to sting. That's supposed to be okay. Acceptable.
I drove to his house to return the camera that had sparked the veritable explosion in my love life. And because I just couldn't BELIEVE he had dumped me over the phone. The phone. Fucking A!
And now he says the ball's in my court. He says I can decide whether we stay together or not. But that he's not going to have a lot of time for me over the next two years and that he really wants to move away when he's done with school. He said he wouldn't let me get in the way if he's offered a job somewhere else he'd like to live. Be still my beating heart. No. Seriously. 'Cause this love shit sucks balls.
I am beside myself as I try to make a decision by tomorrow morning, when he told me to let him know. "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" Easy. It's only a broken heart. It's only tearing me apart.
If you've read this blog, you probably know how this will end. Back on the market, wishing just once I would find someone that really loves me and really gives a shit. Someone with whom I am a priority. Someone that makes me laugh. Someone that takes me to new heights of ecstasy. Someone who is my best friend. Someone that makes every other person I've ever met seem meaningless. Someone worth shaving my legs for. Forever. Or some close facsimile thereof.
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